Beach Party
by Jet556
Summary: AU set in 1963. It is time for hijinks at the beach! Beach goers and couple Lee Ping and Tina Kwee and their friends have adventures on and off the beach while coming into conflict with incompetent biker gang the Rogue Cabal lead by Camillio Martinez and Brandy Silver! This leaves the neutral employees of the restaurant "Wendell's", owned by Wendell Barrage, to watch what goes on.
1. Beach Party Tonight

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**Beach Party Tonight **

At a restaurant by the beach called "Wendell's", two teenagers worked. One was Basil Hagen the other Roman Arkham. A summer job was sometimes hard to come by but never at Wendell's. Always people were either fired or quitting. For now, both were safe.

"Have you heard about the beach party tonight, Basil?" asked Roman.

"Yeah." Basil just cleaned the counter while Roman did nothing. How he hadn't been fired yet was beyond him.

"You think Lee and Tina will be there?"

"Yeah."

"And Holger?"

"Yeah."

"What about Cam and Brandy?"

"Ha!" Basil laughed. "Impossible! The latter wigs out whenever she sees footprints on the beach and the former is never seen without shoes."

"What? That's nonsense! How can anyone wig out from seeing footprints on a beach?"

At that moment, Cam Martinez, his girlfriend Brandy Silver and their amateurish biker cabal the Rogue Assembly. The tallest of the cabal was Biffy Goldstein and perhaps the only member that was an able member.

Brandy walked up to the counter and grabbed Basil by the shirt. "Someone got footprints on the beach! Who was it? I know you know!"

Basil just rolled his good eye. Brandy was hardly unintelligent but they went through the same thing week after week and this was he first time Roman was present to see it.

"The beach goers, Brandy." Basil's voice was completely serious. "Who else would get footprints on a beach?"

"Of course!" Brandy and the Rogue Cabal then turned to leave. As then reached the door, Brandy turned to look at Basil. "You!" Basil pointed at himself in alarm. "I owe you!" And with that they left.


	2. Ah, to be Alone

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**Ah, to be Alone**

Lee Ping and Tina Kwee were at the far end of the beach, a lonely place that people seldom went to. That meant it was the perfect place for some alone time! So it was here that Lee and Tina were.

Considering the two were often in the presence of Holger Holgaart and other members of their beach going group, it was only logical that the two would want some alone time. Holger Holgaart was rather mad, halfway to being the sort of guy who would pay in dried fish, have a rock pool in his bedroom, use jam instead of cement and finally, live in a tree house made of fish. Wanting to be away from Holger for a few hours was all anyone ever wanted but they found his company to be good in its own way.

As Lee walked along in the beach in his black swim trunks and Tina alongside him in her white one-piece, they spoke. What did they speak about? Things. That was all anyone ever talked about. What was entertainment, clothes and politics but things? Things after all were just things with words given to them so they would not be called things. They weren't talking about lilies, taffy-daffy dillies or roses. They were talking about things that were not those things! Things, dear reader, that you shall not be privy to be an eavesdropper to.

Henceforth, the talking of these things shall be skipped over. Why? Because Holger is waiting in line! What line? A metaphorical line!

The question of how Holger found Lee and Tina is better left unanswered. It all involved a scalpel, a sponge and a black magic caduceus. Don't ask.

Upon finding them, he accidentally tackled them both to the ground. Has it been mentioned that Holger was ninety percent incompetent most of the time but became scarily competent when the situation called for it?

"LEE! TINA! The Rogue Cabal is looking for all of us for getting footprints on the beach!" This was perhaps one of the few times Holger's grammar was somewhat good.

"What is that?" asked Lee. "Fifth times this week?"

"Actually, I think it might be the seventh time." Said Tina.

Whatever it was the fifth or the seventh time they had to do what they usually did when Brandy became a raging volcano because someone had gotten footprints on the beach: find some place to lay low until she was no longer mad. That was exactly what they would do!


	3. Surf City

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**Surf City**

As Cam, Brandy and the rest of the Rogue Cabal searched for the Beach Goers in all the wrong placers, the Beach Goers mingled with the surfers since the Rogue Cabal couldn't tell the difference between a Beach Goer and a Surfer. If they saw some people hanging around people with surfboards, they thought they were Surfers.

The leaders of this specific group were Ed McFeeney and Brad Von Chilstein, more Ed than Brad. Why were they the leaders? It had nothing to do with democracy that was for sure!

Ed did not like Holger. Holger did not like Ed. Just leave it at that without going into the whole disturbing detail of singing cockroaches and water.

Brad hit on Tina, he hit on Brandy, he hit on Holger's on again off again girlfriend Greta Von Hoffman who was no relation to Dustin Hoffman. Lee and Tina did not like Brad. It was suspected Brad paid people to like him. It should be noted that he was blessed to never have a career in politics.

"Lee! Tina!" Brad always sounded so excited. Why? He was as far from his mainstream counterpart as possible, that's why! "What you guys doing here, dude and chick?"

"Hiding from the Rogue Cabal." Said Lee.

"Far out, man!"" Brad looked at the list of surfer sayings taped to his surfboard. He then hit his head with his surfboard when he saw it was not on the list. "How crazy is that?" He then looked again at the list. Again he hit his head. "Cool!" This time he didn't even look. He was starting to get a headache. "It is surf city down here!"

"Then why is no one surfing?" asked Tina. It was true. No one was surfing. That was a legitimate question of why no one was surfing.

"Oh, we don't surf the boards are just for decoration."

All of the surfers went silent. They all stared at Brad, they stared at him with critical eyes to them he was no more alive than his Elvis records.

"Brad!" Ed walked over to Brad, his surfboard in hand. "You have broken the surfer oath! And for that you must pay!"

"Surfer oath." Scoffed Brad. "You can't do anything to me! I'm Brad Von Chilstein! I own everybody!"

And then the surfers beat Brad into unconsciousness with their surfboards.


	4. A Scientific Triumph

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**A Scientific Triumph**

Meanwhile, far concerned from the Beach Goers, the Rogue Cabal, the Surfers or the people are Wendell's, Leopold Webber and his mutant son Lynch were hard at work in their lighthouse lab.

Was this unexpected? You haven't read anything yet!

The Webber family had been kidnapping patients from the local hospital. Anyone who came to their door were brain donors. And now was the greatest scientific triumph of all time! They would bring a disembodied octopus tentacle to life! Why? Who knew?

Strapped to a table in the middle of the room was the tentacle. There were many electrical do-dads connected to it.

"Pull the lever, Lynch!" Leopold pointed to his unusually hairless son. Lynch was standing next to a lever.

"Yes, father!" said Lynch, in a very Igor-like manner.

Lynch pulled the switch. If you were expecting a trap door to open, you'd be wrong. The tentacle was zapped and then got up off the table and started hopping around.

This was indeed a scientific triumph. Now that Leopold had his henchman what was he going to do? Well, wasn't that the question of the day? World domination? It wasn't for the Webbers. Ransoming some person for peanuts? That was for them!

But whom would they ransom? Since the two were rather cliché, because they wanted to be, they would probably ransom a girl to turn her into a damsel in distress.

The question was who?

Tina Kwee? Too mainstream.

Brandy Silver? Too obvious!

Great Von Hoffman? Too different!

Kimmie McAdams? Like Brandy, she was too obvious!

Cherie Burlyn? Wasn't a canon character!


	5. Until I'm a Wife

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**Until I'm a Wife**

In one hour, yes one hour, Wendell's had become quite busy. Basil and Roman were given plenty of work. It was not unlikely for Lee and Tina to show up, basically anyone of any group showed up. If the Rogue Cabal were to show up, things would get hectic.

Of course, it should be stated that when Basil and Roman both had plenty of work only Basil was working. Roman was reading a magazine.

"Hey, Basil! You should read this one submitted by some chick!" Roman cleared his throat. "It is called "Until I'm a Wife.'"

Basil put an order down on the table it was supposed to go to and then walked over. He looked at the magazine and then looked at the name. "Brad Von Chilstein did it!"

"How do you know?"

"The name is an anagram for 'Brad Von Chilstein.'"

"How can you tell?"

"When you hate someone as much I do, you recognize these things immediately!"

And it was at that moment that the Rogue Cabal entered. Sure enough things became hectic. Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria! Of course, that was putting it lightly. Ultimately, it was all ended by Wendell Barrage, himself!

Coming out from the washroom, Barrage saw Basil trying to keep Brandy from strangling both Lee and Tina. Brandy's hands were closer to Basil's throat than they were Lee or Tina's.

"STOP!" That was all Barrage said and it was enough to make everyone stop what they were doing. Barrage looked at Basil. "Hagen! You're fired!" Basil was fired for trying to stop a fight? That made perfect sense. "And the rest of you!" Barrage pointed at the beachgoers and Rogue Cabal. "You are all banned from my restaurant until next week!"

Needless to say, Basil was tranquilly furious. He walked over to Roman, still reading his magazine and said: "I will cut your head off with a pork chop!"

Roman just shrugged. "Not the first time anyone has said that to me." That was true. It was, in fact, the thousandth time. "Oh, and you try and I'll tell everyone that you had a crush on Veronica Victoria."

" A lot of guys have." Nice stalemate.


	6. Mating Dance

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**Mating Dance**

By the time the beach party came around, there were teenagers on the beach. Watching from his lighthouse, Leopold observed as some of their teenagers did their "mating dance" as he called it. Where on earth was Lynch? Where was the tentacle? Who were they even going to kidnap? Tina? Brandy? Greta? Kimmie?

The answer was none of the above. The answer was Holger Holgaart. Why him? Lynch needed knew glasses and thought he was Kimmie. All that was needed to kidnap Holger was to put a blanket over him like a budgie in its cage. Odd, one would think that Robin Raven would be kidnapped like that, not Holger Holgaart. But yet he was. And nobody even noticed.

And then Greta started looking around for him. Unable to find him, she stopped Basil who was, unsurprisingly, chasing Roman with a pork chop.

"Have you see, Holger?" she asked.

"I guess." He said. "I saw Lynch Webber and a tentacle going up to the lighthouse with someone."

"A tentacle?" Greta looked at Basil incredulously. "And you don't find that odd?"

"Greta, there was a sea serpent sighted here last week." Basil slapped Roman into unconsciousness as he came running pass, not realizing Basil had stopped chasing him to talk to Greta. "And the week before that Brad was reportedly abducted by ghost pirates. This isn't odd, it is completely ordinary for this area." He then looked down at Roman and threw the pork chop onto his face. "Enjoy it. I start at Finnwich's Book Store tomorrow." Basil sure was quick at getting a job. He then looked at Greta. "You get Lee and Tina, I'll get help from the Rogue Cabal."

Basil began to walk away until he was grabbed by the arm by Greta. "Are you crazy?" Her unibrow looked really freaky when she asked that question. It was like a stork getting its legs waxed. "The Rogue Cabal? They'll eat you!"

"Hey, crazy is my middle name."

"No it isn't!" Greta's eyebrow looked even freakier now. It was like a moose riding a golf ball. "It's Preston!"

Basil stared at her for a few moments and then sighed. "I forgot you were there." It is true, she was and his middle name was indeed Preston. "Just forget about it! You got to Lee and Tina and I shall pray I don't get torn limb from limb." There was no fear of that given the Rogue Cabal's incompetence.


	7. Secret Yearnings

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**Secret Yearnings**

Basil was hanging upside down. Tied to the ceiling of a place that the Rogue Cabal hung out at. But that wasn't important. No, what was important was that Cam wanted to be friends with the beach goers. However, Brandy had still yet to have her anger subside. She was fuming. Fuming! Fuming! Fuming!

Basil had come to ask for help. Holger Holgaart, a beachgoer had been taken captive by Leopold Webber. What better way was there than to help the beachgoers to become their friends?

"Let me down from here!" demanded Basil. "There is too much blood rushing to my head!"

"No way!" Brandy slapped Basil across the face. This resulted in him spinning around quite a bit. "If you think I'll help a beachgoer then you can just step in front of a bus!"

"Can't do that if I'm hanging around." Commented Basil in a rather snarky tone.

"Shut up!" Again Brandy slapped Basil. Harder this time! So hard he ended up hitting a wall, his head most of all, rendering him unconscious.

Cam had seen enough. He had to act now.

"Brandy, I think we should forget about this 'us and them' view." He said, his voice soft and quiet. "What if it was one of us or someone neutral? Wouldn't we go to the rescue? Aren't the beachgoers just like us? Don't they have friends?"

So many questions! All of them were stirring up the emotions that made being human a wonderful thing! Brandy was not heartless. She had friends. She would have gone to the rescue of one of her own or someone who was neutral. She had been friends with many of the beachgoers before they had become divided by choices.

That had been a stupid reason for not being friends with someone. Love and friendship was important. It was one of the three most important things in the world. Love, friendship and the environment! Those three things were important and she had forgotten one of them!

"Alright." Brandy nodded. "Lets go help them!"

"What about him?" Cam pointed at Basil.

"Cut him down and let him sleep."


	8. Big Daddy's

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**Big Daddy's**

Leopold Webber had nicknamed his lighthouse "Big Daddy's." Why? Why not? As the beachgoers waited outside of the lighthouse, they were all doubtful that the Rogue Cabal would help them. They had waited an hour and still they had not come.

"Okay." Lee brought his hands together. "We got to go inside and get Holger… So it is me and Tina and Greta and nobody else. Jenny doesn't really count since she is always switching sides." It was true. Jenny Jerkins lacked morals but was otherwise good friends with Lee and Tina. At the moment she had joined… Well, they weren't exactly sure what she had joined. A cult? They weren't sure. All they were sure of was that she had joined it. "Is there anyone neutral we can get?"

"Well…" started Tina. "Basil should have come back by now so he is out. Roman is still unconscious. Cherie isn't a canon character but then again neither is anyone else I've mentioned." Tina taped her chin for a moment. "We could get Stepak!"

"Sure, minor characters do make excellent red shirts!" commented Greta. It was true! Stepak was minor, something of a bully, rather undeveloped as a character. But now they were starting to sound like characters from a B-movie.

This went on for about three minutes. It was a rather pointless three minutes, however. It was basically a repeat of everything every past minute but with different people. However there was one deviation. They all agreed sacrificing Chaz would probably be a good thing. Nobody liked him, most of all Tina who hated Chaz with a vengeance. Anyone who thought there was something romantic between Chaz and Tina were as crazy as a loon. Lee loved Tina, Tina loved Lee and everyone hated Chaz. Everyone!

"Okay, so how about we just go in?" asked Lee. They should have gone in an hour and thirteen minutes ago.

"What just the three of us?" asked Tina. "Okay, cool. Lets go in!"

And went in they did! Of course, that can wait. Why? Because they were captured by the tentacle! How? Don't ask. It involved wax fruit and a can of soda. Where did they end up? In a dungeon, next to an elevator! Why was there an elevator in a lighthouse? Why were there armadillos in a Transylvanian castle? Just don't ask.

So what were they to do? All they could do was wait while, of course, looking for a loose brick that would open the door to either the dungeon or the elevator. Yes, the elevator was actually in the dungeon. Why? Why not? The only thing missing was a wobbling tombstone.

It was time for the Rogue Cabal to save the day!


	9. Enter the Cabal

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**Enter the Cabal**

By the time the Cabal had arrived, an hour had passed. Having already come to the conclusion that the Beachgoers were now the prisoners of Leopold, the Cabal entered the lighthouse on motorcycle like some bannerets amount their steeds from the days of yore! It was simply breathtaking!

The tentacle, armed with a ray gun that Leopold had invented, tried to stop them but was quickly run over! The tentacle was killed and the ray gun left beyond repair. Thank goodness! That tentacle creeped out even the author!

When Lynch heard the motorcycles coming up the stairs, he jumped out the window. Luckily, he did not die. There was a scaffold just outside the window and so he landed in the scaffold. He then proceeded to lower the scaffold until he was at the ground. He then proceeded to run into the sea and swam all the way to Irag, which was once called Mesopotamia. And in Mesopotamia a man named Gilgamesh had reigned. Lynch went on to find Gilgamesh's tomb. He later used it as a place to worship the long dead king.

As for Leopold, he escaped through a trap door. He would terrorize the beachgoers and cabal another day. Yes, he'd do it with stronger help, more courageous help. Help that was neither an anthropomorphic tentacle nor his son! Well, Biffy would defect to Leopold but it ended up being more of a summer job type thing.

Afterwards the Beachgoers and Rogue Cabal became friends… But not immediately! After a month of spending time together they did become friends. Occasionally, an argument would occur and they would stop being friends but it would last for about thirty minutes. So basically they stopped being friends for the same amount as time as a half-hour television program.

There were many adventures on that beach. An invasion of bodybuilders led by the allegedly dense Coach Pummel! Cassandra McAdams and her plan to build a senior citizens retirement home on the beach, she had reached the very bottom of villain decay previously she would have been a great Ian Fleming villain. The girls held a pajama party that was crashed by a gorilla… A real gorilla not Biffy! And there was the time, Leopold kidnapped Tina and tied her to a buzz saw. It was like something out of a western. A witch doctor once put a spell on Greta to make every guy fall head over heels for her. There were some who were immune, however: Lee, Cam, Biffy, etc. The final adventure involved them in a haunted house.

As Basil once said about it "There is never a dull day at this beach!" It was the perfect statement.

Once college came around, they were at the beach less and less. Some of them stopped seeing each other but this isn't the ending of this story!


	10. Don't Stop Now!

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"**Don't Stop Now!"**

Three years passed and it was now 1966. "Batman" was on television, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" was in theatres and "Conan the Adventurer" was on bookshelves.

One day, an invitation was sent to Cam and Brandy. Lee and Tina had married earlier that year, Cam had intended to propose to Brandy only for Lee to propose for Tina and Cam not wanting to make a double wedding postponed his proposal plans. The invitation was for them to come to Wendell's at five p.m.

This was particular odd. Wendell's had come under new management. It was now owned by Phil Blompkins and had thus he had renamed it "Phil's." Things under his management lasted only two days. He was carried off to the funny farm on the second day. After Blompkins it came under the ownership of Art Wurst who turned the restaurant into a candy shop called "Art's." Things lasted longer under Wurst's management than they did Blompkins' but then he had a feeling like he was beside himself. Once more it was under new management. Whose? Well, wasn't that the big surprise!

"Lee's."

Cam and Brandy both stared in shock. Their friend Lee was now the owner of this establishment. They entered and sure enough all of their friends were there. Former beachgoers, the former Rogue Cabal, former surfers, even neutral people! They were all waiting for them. When Cam and Brandy entered their friends all shouted: "Surprise!"

"Wait, what is this?" asked Cam.

"I wish I knew." Said Basil, standing with his wife Cherie who was holding their infant son Demetrius. "I was just asked to be here."

"Tina and me heard that you were going to propose to Brandy the day me and Tina got engaged." Said Lee. "So, Cam, how about you…"

"Wait, hear, in front of all of you?" asked Cam. He was looking quite nervous. "I have not even planned anything!"

"For goodness sake, Cam!" Basil walked forward, taking his hands from his jacket pockets. "You love her, she loves you! Propose already! Do you want to be like Roman? Do you want to espouse your dextral fist?"

Cam nodded. He turned to face Brandy, took out the ring out of his pocket that he had started to keep in there out of habit, got down on one knee and asked "Brandy, will you…"

"Don't stop now!" yelled Tina.

"Will you marry me?" Cam's question was answered by a kiss from Brandy. They did marry and everyone lived happily ever after except for Brad who was turned into a frog and run over by a kid on a bike.

**The End**


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